George Melly to Mick Jagger: “Why is your face was so wrinkled?” “Let me be clear about this: I don’t have a drug problem I have a police problem.” “My sole inspiration is a telephone call from a producer.” “My chances of getting into the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame are about as good as Milli Vanilli’s.” “Life is like a sewer – what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” ![]() “Knowing me, I’ll probably get busted at my own funeral.” “We only knew four chords, but we arranged them pretty well.” When you’re 67 and singing about it, you know what you’re talking about.” “If you’re 28 and singing about being over the hill, you’re pretending. “In the 60s, the record companies seemed to sign anything with long hair if it was a sheepdog, so what?” Now the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it normal.” “In the 60s people took acid to make the world weird. “Sex has never been an obsession with me. “I met her in the museum of paleontology. It was two hours before we found out the cashier was dead…” A guy rang up to ask what time the show started and we said, ‘What time can you get here?’ The band was playing ‘Tea For One’ and the audience was on its foot. Somebody should have been here last week… we had the bouncers chucking them in. “For Lent, I’ve given up music… there is a God.” “If you wanted to torture me, you’d tie me down and force me to watch our first five videos.” But 15 years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. “I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall Of Fame Award. ![]() “I don’t have a drinking problem, ’cept when I can’t get a drink.” “If I didn’t do music well, I just wouldn’t have anything to do… I can’t cook, and I’d be a terrible housewife.” ![]() In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” “I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. I ain’t never heard a horse sing a song.” “Australia’s gift to insomniacs… the blonde singing the bland.” I said to him, ‘Someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the f_king deli without hearing or seeing me.’” “I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a Grammy, never have a hit song, and that he hoped I’d fail. “Not seeing my physician for 20 years was one of those phobias that really didn’t pay off.” John Lennon at The Royal Variety Performance, 1963 “Could the people in the cheaper seats, clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you’ll just rattle your jewelry.” “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” “We idolized The Beatles, except for those of us who idolized The Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.”ĭave Barry The Best Music Jokes By Musicians ![]() “If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted and musicians denoted.” “I went to a record store and asked for 50 Cent, they kicked me out for panhandling.” “Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.” “My favorite band is called Cockles And Mussels. “Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.” “There’s more evil in the pop charts than an Al Qaida suggestion box.” “If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” And for the people who like country music, ‘denigrate’ means ‘put down.’” “I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. “When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.” Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.” “I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. “My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the ‘William Tell Overture’ without thinking of The Lone Ranger.” “The first time I sang in the church choir, 200 people changed their religion.” “I play all my country and western music backward – your lover returns, your dog comes back and you cease to be an alcoholic.” “I play all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.” “I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is.” Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”
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